Dating One Better

CHARLOTTE: Anthony, I was wondering if you're dating anyone?
ANTHONY: I'm dating everyone. Why?
CHARLOTTE: Well I have this friend...
ANTHONY: What's he like?
CHARLOTTE: Well he's smart. And he's cute...
ANTHONY: Who would play him?
CHARLOTTE: What?
ANTHONY: Like in a movie. Who would play him?
CHARLOTTE: Um...Ed Harris. A younger Ed Harris.
ANTHONY: That's hot.

-Kristin Davis & Mario Cantone in Sex & The City

New York City. The name alone is synonymous with infinite choice. Feel like dinner out? There are 1000's of restaurants to choose from. A play? Hundreds of theaters. Art? Dozens of museums, hundreds of galleries. So it's not much of a stretch to understand that when it comes to dating, the possibilities are endless. On any given day, thousands of people move to this city. Thousands of people (hopefully your ex) also move away. Given these facts, even a speed dater couldn't make it through all the men in this town. Conventional thinking says that finding a mate should be easy. That a New York single's nights should be filled with endless dates and opportunities to meet even more.

Conventional thinking is right. Many New Yorkers (gay men in particular) do seem to go out on a large number of dates. The catch is that they are first dates. Second dates seem to be as rare as a cab during a rush hour downpour. It is something I personally picked up on a few months into my move here. NYC is quite a social town - it's as easy to meet people in restaurants and parties as it is on the street or at the gym. However, what this town's strengths are also function as its weakness.

I used to live in Cincinnati: gay population 1000. And all the guys there whined that there weren't any good guys to date. Then I lived in Boston: gay population 10,000. Similar complaint; all the good guys lived in New York. Now I live in New York: gay population 1,000,000. No one argues the fact that we're all surrounded by great, attractive men. The complaint this time is that everyone plays "One Better."

The concept of One Better certainly isn't limited to the island of Manhattan. But it is understandably its Mecca. Tens of thousands of eligible men run the streets, and no one can stand still long enough to settle down with one of them. Any perception of flaw (pick one: appearance, body, chemistry, emotional intelligence, career, family background, timing, ex situation...) and its on to the next one. I realize it sounds as though Manhattan is an island full of superficial, social climbing assholes. While there are certainly plenty of those, that's not who I'm talking about. I'm talking about real people searching for a connection that is true to them. Smart, intelligent individuals looking for love, but gunshy about commitment. And when "the one" may just be the next guy they meet, it isn't hard to understand why they put off settling down and continue their search.

So as far as the game goes, I offer no solutions. Just a few thoughts. Does settling down with someone require a conscious, mature decision? Or will you just know the right one when he shows up? I'm a firm believer that no one is perfect and if you are searching for perfection you won't find it. However I do believe that there is someone out there who is perfect for you. And when you meet him or her, hopefully you'll know it. Hopefully you won't play them one better.

Comments

[tim]

Recently single (a year) and for the first time since living in the city, I've not really had the chance to experience the phenomenon, but if people have the delusion that there is the perfect man and they'll know "the one" when they encounter him, they are, well, delusional. There are hundreds if not thousands of people with whom we could have a life-long fulfilling and satisfying relationship with. Beyond some basic elements of compatibility (what those are would be different for everyone, depending one what major traits one values the most), I think you're right; commitment is a conscious MATURE decision to MAKE a relationship work - in spite of whatever differences you may have encountered, because the things you value most are there. Commitment isn't the point at which you've landed the ideal man with whom a relationship will require no effort, no sacrifice or no investment of energy. Nice pipe dream, but it's just that.

[Jeff]

Imagine the odds were the same in Reno Nevada; would the results be the same? I'm sorry, but I travel a lot and the eastern seaboard areas (New York to Key West) seem to have this one-up-manship thing going (the longer you live there, the worse you are). And the longer you live there, the less likely you are to realize it.

[frank]

hmmm...
I think the problem is that most gay men are slaves to thier appetites. Urban gay men especially are the worst kind of whim-worshipers. The whole moral barometer seems to have been chucked in order to rid them selves a sense of shame about thier sexuality.

[Cooper]

I wonder if the One Better concept is a phase in the process of growing up emotionally. Sort of like moving to Manhattan, with all its ambitions and adventures, is a growth step for a lot of people. At some point their ambitions are satisfied, and they settle into a career or a lifestyle that is more comfortable. And when they're "ready to settle down" and commit to a lasting relationship, the perfect guy just seems to come along.

[Aaron]

The problem seems to be, "Why settle for one man when (eventually) you can have all one million?" Kind of leaves you all used up, though.

[Salvador]

I love reading your blog... it is the real life equivalent of a gay male barbie diary entries log. Your one dimensionality is comparable only to that of a stepford wife. Everyday another topic more banal than the other; its like the bible you were raised on was a shallow and quick reading of an episode of sex and the city, glossing over any semi-deep message there was: Generic diesel boy follows the dream to NYC to be work as a rat in advertising, exercise at the over priced and over wasped equinox and drink $ 15 cosmos with all the other gay robots... aren't u the definition of fabulous? I find comfort in how simple minded you are...anyone compared to you has the spiritual life of Mother Theresa.

[mollycoddler]

ooh - salvador is mean, but really funny. i'm glad you didn't moderate him out.

i actually liked this post. my take: there are one million gay men in ny, and just as many definitions of what being in a relationship means. none of them are wrong or right: you just have to find the one that seems most compatible with your own (if a relationship is, indeed, something you actually want). for instance, relationships between men in this city are more often than not encroached with monogamy issues. does that mean that someone who does not believe in or aspire to monogamy is playing 'one-up' because they can't just have sex with one person forever? this isn't THE issue or the crux of my point (do i have one?), but i'm just trying to illustrate what i think happens in the New York gay dating scene: there is a lot on everyone's plate, and there are no rules.

i think the one-up concept is a healthy one to be aware of. straight people often get married really really young, and never even get the opportunity to explore all of their own ideas of dating. in the end, though, i think that, once you are in a relationship, the most important ingredient is self esteem, and the knowledge that, no matter who out there is richer or hotter than you, YOUR boyfriend has chosen you to be with, and that makes you one in a million.

ugh, what an awful comment. i'm hesitant to hit post, but...

[mollycoddler]

word to the new banner. i liked the old one a lot though.

[tim]

Barbie wouldn't have posted Salvador's comment.

[Dave]

Interesting. Didn't anyone think to bring up genetics? One Better might be just another aspect of the male sex drive.

[Steve C.]

What is real? What is perfect? We all try hard to be all of those things that we lose our own identity. I have a lot friends that love me. I have a family that loves me. I have clients that I work with that love me. Whether I lost 10 lbs. or gained 10 lbs. their feelings have not changed. Whether I dyed my hair or kept my dark black hair, their perception of me have not changed. Whether I am wearing designer clothing or not, they still want to be around me. Whether or not I am masculine or a little nelly, they are not embarassed by me. BUT!! for some reason, when you are looking for "Mr. Right", you have no clue how to act, how to look, how to dress or how to simply be.

I thought, if I could change some things about me I will attract the right person.

Some say, "no fatties", so I laid off the milkshake and went to the gym. I only ate salads and if I was good that week, I rewarded myself turkey on my salad. Got toned and fit. The ending result? Dated a couple of gym bunnies who lived and breathed the gym and constantly weighed themselves. They were afraid to lose muscle mass and gain body fat. They were afraid to even think about downing a milk shake--no red meat and definitely no skin on chicken. But I like the fucking skin on my chicken when I eat it. It just tastes better.

NEXT!

Then, I thought maybe it's how I dress. It is true that we can only make one "first impression". So I decided to be the most glamorous that I could be. I headed towards Coutureville. I traded my Skechers for Prada. I donated my wool sweaters and only wore cashmere. I threw my Jansport backpack from college and carried Louis Vuitton. I gave away all of my Banana Republic clothes and donned Gucci and Ralph Lauren Purple Label. I tucked away my Fossil watch from high school and sported Cartier. The end result? The guys became very intimidated. I was and still am labeled: a fashion whore, clothes horse, and my favorite a princess. I thought, "What the fuck?" I ended up with a big bill in the end and with tons of clothes and nowhere to go.

I tried online dating, but the moment you meet them, they are nowhere near how they described themselves and they're always fidgety. I tried the classifieds, but I ended up with married men. I tried speed dating, but I ended up bored, monotonous, and drunk. I couldn't remember what happened the day after.

Why did I care so much on what people thought of me physically and materialistically? Why? I don't know. Instead of looking at me head to toe first, there should be a billboard in front of me that says: Well read individual with a long life quest for for knowledge and self improvement. Loves his family and friends. Loving. Generous. Humorous. Kind. Passionate. Dedicated. God fearing.

So, I finally realized that enough was enough. I am going to be me by just simply being me. I will stop looking and be happy. Why do I care most about what I don't have and what I cannot have when I look around and I have so much? I am a very blessed and lucky individual. I have my family, my friends, my job, my health, my sanity and God.

Where do I go from here? Well, I am going to keep drinking my milkshake with the extra 10 lbs. And oh I am keeping the couture. Turns out, I like looking fabulous. What you see, is what you get. Take it or leave it!

And today I turn 29.

[joey]

one has to wonder WHY salvador is reading this blog.